Pokemon: Ultimate Sun Edition
by DirtyRat05
Summary: So, I'm sort of new to this, so I'm no good at the whole 'summary' thing. Basically a blend of Sun and Ultra Sun based on my play-through of both games. Expect shitty humor, dark humor, actual humor (hopefully). Have I mentioned I'm new at this? Rated M for Paranoia and language out the ass.
1. So it begins

Alright, so this may come as a shock to y'all, but I don't own Pokemon, and likely never will (why the hell else would I be writing _fanfiction_?) With that being said, please be aware that I don't write all that often, so if by some grace of God you _enjoy _this (you deviant, you...), don't be alarmed by irregular, sporadic updates (I'm 80% sure I used that word right). With that out of the way, enjoy this story. Or don't, I'm a fanfiction author, not a cop.

Edit: Some of this crap didn't get underlined, which is important because underline talk is Pokespeech, so hopefully this edit fixes it. Sorry about that.

*Insert Line Break Here*

There are many people in the world, from Trainers to Nurse Joys and everyone in between who have wanted to be able to talk to Pokemon. Even if it were only for mere moments, to catch a glimpse of the inner machinations of the powerful and majestic creatures inhabiting the world would be incredible, unforgettable. Many cliche movie plot lines involve a trainer who can talk to Pokemon due to a 'pure heart' or 'The Power of Friendship' or something along those lines, but one thing people _always _seem to forget is that Pokemon are sentient creatures, just like humans, which could allow for riveting conversation, philosophical pondering, and scientific progress the likes of which had not yet been seen before. For those who can understand Pokemon, however, they'll tell you it's not all that great a gift to have.

For one, a surprising number of them are apparently assholes. With all of their raw power at their fingertips, they feel entitled to speak their mind, apparently, regardless of how violent of profane those thoughts may be. Granted, not all Pokemon are foul-mouthed dickweeds or foul-mouthed in general, but a significant amount are, especially if they battle often. It is also important to note that there is a drastic difference between Pokemon from the Wild, and domesticated/Urban Pokemon. Many wild Pokemon are simple and primitive, almost tribalistic depending on the species and where they are. Meanwhile Urban Pokemon hang around Humans more often, and gain an appreciation for their culture. Many a people with The Gift of Understanding complain about how much celebrity gossip happens between Pokemon in the city, or how many Pokemon were walking 'shitpost generators' due to the Internet's influence on Domesticated/Urban Pokemon.

Another important observation made is that while no two Pokemon are exactly alike, certain characteristics remain constant within different species. You can have a philosophical Primeape who ponders and studies the meaning of life, a Metagross who likes small animals because they're cute, and a Brionne who will only sing Freddie Mercury due to being practically raised on it, but at the end of the day? The Primeape will always be angry, the Metagross will constantly run countless calculations in its brains, and the Brionne will only drop its smile in private, when nobody can hear it cry.

Today, we follow the journey of one Elio Sunne, an extraordinary young man who is blessed with the gift of understanding Pokemon, whether he likes it or not.

"[TITTYSPRINKLES!]", was the first thing that the sixteen year old woke up to.

"Moltres be damned, Meowth,", groaned the young man as he rose from his bed, "one of these days, I may actually kill you for that."

"[Bold of you to assume you could kill _me _and get away with it, runtling]", snarked the Meowth. Elio simply shooed the Scratch Cat Pokemon out of his room and began his morning rituals ("Great, new shower. How does this thing wor-AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"). A good ten minutes later, he emerged from his room freshly showered (see simmerred), shaved, and dressed. Simple blue jeans and a red t-shirt was all that he needed to go about his day. His mother immediately greeted him as he closed his door.

"Good morning, my precious _Sunne_!", she exclaimed with a smile that reached her eyes, which were twinkling with mischief. "How's your first morning in Alola so far?". Elio's eye twitched at the (totally not) intentional pun and was about to respond, when Meowth beat him to the punch.

"[Shower used Scald, it was super effective! Diglett was burned!]", Meowth didn't even glance up, busy scratching himself and stretching lightly.

"Bite me, Mittens.", snapped Elio as his mother sighed. She sometimes wished she had Elio's ability to understand Pokemon, even if her son claimed that she was better off as she is. Then again, judging by the one side of her son's current conversation that she could understand, maybe he had a point.

"Meowth, apologize to Elio. Elio, stop yelling at Meowth.", she said with a warning tone despite the smile still being on her face.

"Sorry for yelling at you, Meowth."

"[Sorry you burned your dick off, dickless]"

"I WILL PUNT YOU, YOU DAMN CAT!"

Meowth cackled and dove under the coffee table, much to Elio's dismay, as his mother began berating him for his language. The doorbell rang out suddenly, and all arguing ceased.

"Elio, could you get that?", asked Elio's mother.

"Yeah, I'm on i-" he began, only to be cut off by the door swinging open and smacking him to the side. Meowth cackled as he hopped out from under the coffee table to greet the new visitor. Meowth and Elio's mother recognized the handsome shirtless stranger at the door as the Region's very own Professor Kukui.

"Augh, what the fuck is wrong with- oh sweet mother of Moltres, you could grate cheese on those abs.", remarked a bruised Elio from the floor. Kukui's eyebrows rose as Elio's mother seemed to pause, look him over again, then nod in agreement.

"Well, erm, thanks? You must be Elio, your mother has told me so much about you! Sorry about the door thing, oh where are my manners? I'm Professor Kukui! How are you enjoying Alola so far?", Kukui asked in an effort to clear the awkward air.

"Well, I've not been out to see anything yet, I woke up only a little bit ago. Haven't even had breakfast yet." Elio answered as he casually strolled to the counter to grab an apple, but stopped, turned to look at Meowth (who was staring at the good Professor's abs and trying to determine if one _could_ grate cheese on his abs {signs were pointing to yes}), and instead grabbed an orange, hurling at the back of Meowth's head with a thundering "**YEET!**". Meowth predictably turned around to slice the object with a _**Fury Swipes**_, and got a face full of sticky citrus juice for his troubles. As Meowth hissed at the sensation of citrus juices in his eyes, Elio ran up and punted him out of the still-open door, Meowth yowling all the way as he sailed out onto the street. He bounced as he it the dirt, but got snatched up by a Fearow before he could hit the ground again. The two adults looked on in horror as the yowling Meowth disappeared into the distance ("[**WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!]**"), and Elio simply grabbed an apple.

"I told him that I'd punt him, you'd think he learned by now that I make good on those threats.", Elio remarked as he bit into the apple.

* * *

Elio walked onto Route 1 with a frown on his face, an earbud in his left ear, a red handprint on his cheek, and apple bits stuck in his hair. He trailed behind Professor Kukui, who was growing more and more concerned with the muttering coming from young Elio.

"Stupid mom, kicking me out of the house. 'Oh my Arceus, you just punted Meowth', she screams. 'Stop laughing, you asshole!', she says as if I would stop laughing at that.", Elio scoffed as he brushed more apple bits out of his hair. "'Put the apple down and get him!' she says, as if I care about that fucking shekel more than I do about finishing my apple. 'I'll get around to it', I said. 'He was my partner in my first journey!', she says. Yeah I know that, just like I know how he's an asshole who regularly mocks me because my dick is bigger than his brain. "You're going to get my Meowth back even if I have to destroy anything in my path', she says. Why not get another one from here? They're apparently gay and sassy looking, like the characters you write in your fanfictions that I wish I didn't know about. I hope the Fearow drops him into a nest of Sharpedo-"

"OKAY!", Kukui cut Elio off before he heard anything worse coming out of his mouth. "Guardians, your mother was not wrong about your attitude", Kukui muttered as he turned to look back at the house where said mother was on the roof shaking a fully extended ladder at an angry Fearow with a terrified Meowth in its beak ("**GIVE ME BACK MY KITTY KERFUFFLE YOU POOR MAN'S PIDGEOT!**").

"Hey, I said I'd get around to it, that's better than nothing.", Elio said dismissively and shrugged.

"Right, well, look around at this wilderness, cousin!", Kukui gestured to the surrounding area of Route 1. "If you listen closely, you can hear the sounds of Alola's nature in all of its majesty! The Pikipek chirping, the Ledybas buzzing, the Yungoos rustling through the grass, all of nature is practically singing to us!", Kukui exclaimed with a grin on his face. Elio raised an eyebrow and removed the earbud from his ear, closing his eyes to take in nature's symphony of life.

* * *

"[Nigga where them beans at?!]"

"[The end is nigh! The beasts will run wild! Alola's skies darken once and forevermore!]" "[Shut up Clarence, it's too early for your shit.]"

"[Now, which tree shall I shit under today?]"

"[Oran berries, get your oran berries here!]"

"[Why?! Why would you send me out against a Flying type?!]"

"[Iki Town's wifi is down, now where am I going to get my dank meme fix?]" "[Or my Mismagius porn?! Damn, this _is _awful!]" "[Okay, dude, no.]"

"[Apparently the new humans from Kanto are giving out free snacks, just throwing them out the front door.]" "[Whoa, really?]" "[Yeah, Falco the Fearow got a boonie kitkat.]"

* * *

"Fucking beautiful, can we get a move on? I wanna go to Itchy Town or wherever the hell it is, you said there was a surpri-" Elio was interrupted by an unmarked white van driving past them in the direction of Iki Town. Elio slowly turned his head to look at Kukui in surprise. Kukui shut him down quickly.

"No, that's not remotely what it is."

"Damn, that'd be the most exciting thing to happen to me in a while. That and, I guess if I had to do a dude, you aren't _that _bad an option."

"I'm married. To a woman. Happily(?). Also, no."

"Harsh, man. Wait, was that hesitation I sensed on that 'happily' part?"

"_**Anyways**_, it's _Iki_ Town we're going to, Elio. Also, before you go accusing me further of being a pedophile-"

"Technically, the age of consent in Kanto is sixteen. I'm legal."

"Not remotely the point. I'm going to introduce you to a friend of mine, the Ka-"

"Is he the one who mans the camera?"

"No, he-"

"*exaggerated gasp*That was him in the van, wasn't it?! You naughty Professor, I know I said I'd do _anything _to get an A, but this may be too far~*wink*"

"**A POKEMON! I'M GIVING YOU A TAPU-DAMNED POKEMON! **Gods, you are the worst child I have _**EVER**_-oh." Kukui trailed off upon seeing the look on Elio's face. A look of pure joy.

"Y-you're serious?", Elio's voice cracked "You're not messing with me, right?", Elio practically demanded. Kukui chuckled.

"You know it, cuz! The Kahuna of Melemele Island himself, Hala, has heard of a new arrival to Alola's shores who hasn't been on a journey at all, and wants to see if you have what it takes to journey in Alola, wants to give you that chance you missed on your tenth birthday." Kukui smiled brightly, then frowned in thought. "Say, now that I mention it, why haven't you started on your journey yet? Someone your age surely has at least tried it by this point, and you seem to be eager enough about this, so…?", Kukui trailed off, and Elio froze.

*Insert Flash-back noises*

"Hey, I dare you to pee on that exposed wire!"

"Okay!"

*BZZZZKT*

~Four Years Later~

"Ow, my head… Where am I?"

"Sir, you've been in a coma for four years."

"Oh, gods-damnit!"

*Flash back noises end abruptly and painfully*

"Okay, now tell me what _really _happened."

"That's… not important. C'mon, let's go meet that Matata guy or whatever."

"Kahuna."

"What'd I say?"

_Will Elio meet the Matata of Value Meal Island? Which Pokemon will he choose? Can Kukui actually grind cheese on his abs? Can you always trust a man in a big white van? What's with Kukui's marriage? Will Elio ever get around to saving meowth?_

_Tune in next time to find out on Total Drama: Revenge of the Island!_


	2. Great, there's more

So, I probably should've clarified last chapter, Pokemon speak in underline. Most of y'all probably figured that out, but for the rest who din't, here ya go. Again, I don't own jack shit, don't be suing me now.

*Remember to insert a Line Break Here*

Melemele Island is a small, quaint island in the Alola Archipelago, and is regarded to as the starting point of the Island Trial Challenge. It is here that Tapu Koko resides, guarding his corner of Alola. While Melemele Island is primarily famous for the beautiful Kala'e Bay and Hau'oli City's massive shopping district, Many a tourist and local resident all wish to see the sacred Ruins of Conflict, where the great Tapu Koko itself comes to roost and/or listen to prayers made to it. The best way to get to these hallowed grounds, however, is the Mahalo Trail, just north of the quiet little Iki Town. Iki town is a small, close knit community of old, religious, and religious old Melemele residents who seek a quieter life, such as the current Kahuna, Hala. It is here where sacred rituals and offerings are made to the Guardian Deity, and many a trainer on their Island Challenge begin their Grand Trial. It is also where we find our young hero and the good Professor Kukui, on their search for the Kahuna himself.

* * *

"Well, here we are!", exclaimed Kukui gleefully. "What do you think, cousin? Pretty nice, ain't it?", he asked with a grin. Elio glanced around, still in a pretty good mood after being told he was getting a Pokemon. The town itself was small and quaint, apart from the bigass mansion he saw towards the edge of the town there were only small little houses, fairly spaced out from each other. Children ran and chased each other, parents and grandparents watched on fondly, small bird pokemon were chirping in the trees they had decided to nest in. All in all, it was a nice place.

"Not bad, not bad at all.", Elio remarked with a faint smile. All seemed well. Kukui, happy with Elio's assessment, gestures for Elio to follow. As they walk through the town, Elio stops suddenly, his head jerking up and smile dropping abruptly. Kukui, curious, looks in the same direction Elio is, only to grow more curious, as all he sees is a wild Rockruff playing with some children.

"What's up, cousin?", Kukui questions him. Elio sighs, picks up a rock by his foot, and hurls it at the Rockruff, which lets out a loud 'Yipe!', and growls at Elio.

"Elio, what the hell?! You can't just do tha-", Kukui yells at him, but is cut off by the Rockruff lunging as Elio in a frenzy. "Oh shi-!"

* * *

Elio sometimes hated life. Sure, he could've been born in a piece of shit region like Orre, or been shipped off to a Ranger School years ago by his mother for his poor attitude, but instead he just _had _to be born with the _oh so wonderful _ability to understand Pokemon. While it was a generally accepted fact that the world was filled with terrible people, Elio also knew that the age old myth of there being no 'evil' Pokemon was a load of Bouffalant-shit. There were awful Pokemon in the world, in just as many varieties as humans, with some specific tendencies being common in both (Elio can attest to the fact that the Pokemon version of being a furry was _horrifying_). Elio made it his mission to fuck with Pokemon who were being massive dicks to people who didn't know any better. At least Pokemon could understand human language pretty well, but an Azurill could be cussing you out and reciting your credit card number in public, and all you'd hear is a cute little 'Azu-Azurill!'. That being said, when he heard an

"[Aw hell yeah, rub my belly little whore!]" being shouted out loud without anyone to yell in outrage or indignation, Elio knew what was happening immediately, and sighed.

A small little dog-like Pokemon he had never seen before was running around and playing with a small gathering of children. The children were blissfully unaware of the raging pedophile within their midst, al were gleefully petting the small creature. The Pokemon walked behind one of the children, nuzzling the back of his legs with its stone-studded neck while yipping loudly. While the other children were laughing, the boy tried to move, clearly uncomfortable with what was happening.

"Ow! Rockruff, that hurts!", the little boy pouted.

"[Yeah, you like that dontcha, bitch? Gods, I love little boy-pussy, time to lure this one back to the breeding grounds, hehehe~!]", the small pervert cackled with glee. Elio's eyes shrank significantly (because _holy shit_ that was horrible) as he faintly heard Kukui's question of 'What's up, cousin?'. Elio then sighed, picked up a rock he noticed by his foot, and hurled it at the pedophiliac puppy.

"[OW, motherfucker!]", it screamed out, glancing furiously around it as the children gasped. It located Elio, the sole human glaring at it whilst the adult human beside him yelled furiously. The Rockruff screamed, "[I will bite your face off, bitch!]", then lunged at Elio. Elio sidestepped it at the last moment, sending the Pokemon flying into a tree. As the Rockruff shook itself off, Elio glanced at his surroundings, looking for an advantage. Tree, rocks, nearby house, broken glass shards, more rocks, an old withered palm tree, Fearow eating a Meowth ('_Damn, he's holding out longer than I thought he would…_'), a half-used roll of tape, a discarded broom and wooden play-shield left behind by the frightened children. As Elio heard a furious shouting in the not-too-distant distance ("**COME BACK HERE, SKINNY NECK-ASS LOOKIN' BITCH, YOU HAVE SOMETHING THAT BELONGS TO **_**ME**__**!**_"), he grinned. '_Showtime, mutt. Bring it'_.

* * *

Elio flipped the Pokemon the bird, and waved it in a come hither motion, Kukui still yelling at him to cut it out as the small children wept and threw pebbles in his general direction (missing by miles, might I add). The little shit took the bait, snarling furiously as it yet again lunged at him. He rolled to the side, dodging it barely, picking up the large glass shard and roll of tape as he bolted towards the broom. "_Gotta work fast!'_, Elio thought as he attached tape to the edges of the glass and picked up the broom. As he accomplished both objectives, he spun to the side, wincing as he got nicked by on of the small rocks on the Pokemon's neck. '_Little bastard got me… he'll regret that'_, he thought as he swung the broom down on the Rockruff's head. Confused (not the status, otherwise it'd be an OP broom), blinded, and pinned, the Rockruff didn't stand a chance as Elio pushed the glass shard on its back, grinning as he heard the shouting grow ever closer ("**GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW, IMMA GO ELEVEN HERBS AND SPICES ON YOUR ASS!"**). He jumped back, releasing his leverage on the Rockruff, as the small puppy snarled and readied a **Tackle **attack. With a faint white aura shimmering around it, it leapt forward once more, only to be swatted aside by the toy shield that Elio managed to pick up. The Rockruff growled furiously, it's entire (tiny) body seething with rage, enough so to distract it from the fact that the glass on its back was reflecting sunlight directly into Fearow's eyes. The Fearow, thoroughly annoyed by the random light shining in its face by this point, began to dive down at the Rockruff, Meowth still struggling in its beak. The Rockruff lunged again, the Fearow adjusted its course, and the shouting grew so loudly, one could assume its source was only a few feet away (which she was). Elio leaned to his left and sunk to the ground, thrusting the broom into Fearow's eyes and redirecting it slightly upwards whilst simultaneously dodging a **Bite **attack.

Pure beauty and destruction followed.

The Fearow, redirected, flew straight into the nearby house, its momentum sending it straight through the wall as the Meowth screamed in pain and terror. Elio's mother, who had lunged forwards to attack the swooping Fearow, swung her mighty ladder in a wide arc, catching the Rockruff mid-leap and sending it flying into a nearby tree with a loud 'Crack!'. The tree, broken at its base, began to topple over, Rockruff shaking off its daze long enough to look up and scream. The tree crushed the Rockruff as well as the damaged house, pinning the confused and angry Fearow in the wreckage and sending the poor Pikipek in its foliage flying (not with their wings). The Fearow thrashed around and gave a mighty screeching noise, flinging the poor Meowth out of the wreckage and at Elio's mother, smacking her in the face and sending her to the ground as she dropped her ladder. The Rockruff wriggled out from under the tree, letting out a mighty, "[You will DIE FOR THAT!]", and running towards Elio, who tossed the broom and shield like a javelin and discus respectively, nailing Rockruff in the eyes and snout. As the Pokemon screamed out in pain ("[Fuck!, Stop hitting me in the fucking face!]"), Elio grabbed the ladder, folding it up into a compact form and using it as an improvised bashing shield as he ran past Rockruff towards the point where the tree met the house and, well, bashed the old tree, splitting it where he impacted (and shattering his arm in the process).

The poor Fearow, who was struggling to lift the tree of of itself, had readied a mighty **Gust **attack to propel itself upwards, the large bird's wings glowing a bright white color. Upon the three trunk shattering, however, the weight on its back was significantly reduced, meaning its **Gust** was not only powerful enough to send it flying upwards much higher and at a more wild angle than initially intended, it also blew away the debris from the house wreckage, the furniture that miraculously survived the disaster thus far, and all the loose rocks and small objects (such as the poor Pikipek, lingering children, and the Rockruff) within a few yards of the house with enough force to send them flying far and fast at everything within a large radius. Elio rolled and grabbed the toy shield with his good arm, using it to block the smaller objects whilst Kukui and the children ran away screaming, Kukui being unfortunate enough to be slammed into by an airborne loveseat. A small child flew through a window of an unmarked white van, startling the driver before asking her if she wanted candy. A couch slammed into the van, sending it tumbling into another house, the child and old man in the van screaming and holding onto each other for dear life, as candy flew out from the glove box and pelted them both in the face.

Surrounding residents who had gathered to watch the spectacle scattered like Alolan Rattata to avoid being hit. Rockruff was flung aside, spinning rapidly until it landed with a heavy 'Thud!' a good few yards away. The Fearow, having flung itself with gust, had impacted a utility pole and snapped the wires, shocking itself with a high amount of voltage and cutting power to most of Iki Town. A loose live wire also managed to zap the Rockruff into unconsciousness, and set a small patch of dry grass ablaze. As the people of Iki Town screamed and ran, Elio, with a broken arm and a cracked wooden shield on the other, casually walked over to the shell-shocked Meowth, grabbed him by his scruff, and proceeded to walk over to his mother, who had gotten up to watch the horror unfold before her. She slowly turned to look at Elio, who dropped Meowth at her feet (He landed on his face).

"I said I'd get around to it.", Elio whispered.

"Y-you…"

"No need to thank me, I know you did most of the work, oh mother dearest~!", Elio said loudly.

The townspeople overheard this, and slowly turned to look at the mother.

"You said you'd get that Meowth even if it meant destroying _everything_ in your path, and you certainly delivered!"

"N-no, wai-!"

"I mean, I was just beating a small animal with a broom like you told me to, but _you _certainly showed it who was boss with that ladder! I tried to free the poor Fearow, but I guess you knew that it's cause all of this destruction! You planned all of this out, you mastermind, you!"

"B-but-!"

"Using your own child to set up the destruction of a small village, just for _one measly little Pokemon_? That's dedication, lemme tell you that."

The townspeople began to glare and advance on Elio's mother, who was stammering out half finished denials, apologies, and pleas for mercy. As Kukui, who had not gotten too seriously injured from the flying loveseat, went over to the rapidly-forming angry mob to do damage control, Elio's mother looked around desperately for an out, then noticed that Elio had managed to slip away undetected. Something that Kukui also seemed to notice, as he shouted out in unison with her.

"_**Elio, you son of a bi-!"**_

* * *

Elio was having a good day. He had caused mass hysteria, beat the ever-loving shit out of a pedophile, and gotten away with all of it while simultaneously throwing his mother under the bus. '_That'll teach her to side with that literal pussy over me.'_, Elio sneered in his mind. After managing to slip out of notice, he wandered the town, eventually coming across a sign that pointed towards a 'Mahalo Trail'. Seeing as how he had nothing better to do, elio decided that a long walk through nature was in order, and went down the trail.

"I'll let everyone cool down a little, then come back and yoink me a Pokemon. Ah, but which type to choose? Meh, I'll figure it out.", he mused. All in all, a pretty good day, and he couldn't wait to see how it got better.

_Next time, on Pokeball Z-Move: _

"_Damnit Hala, why? Why would you do that?" _

"_Hi druglord, whatcha doing? Selling drugs?" _

"_Damn, how do you take __**that**_ _one? Smoke it? Oh, it's an __**edible**__, got it." _

"_Nah, I'm pretty sure I saw a butthole" "There wasn't a butthole." "Shut it, Trap Waifu." _

"_Tutu, all the power went out at the house and I heard an expl-SWEET MOTHER OF TAPU KOKO!" _

"_So, we __**are**_ _doing this? You're giving me mixed signals, Kukes." _

"_Hello, master. Please don't kill me."_

_All this and more on Pokeball Z-Move! _

Omake:

Rowlet was bored. The Kahuna was kind enough to let starters roam about the mansion when he wasn't around, but that didn't save said starters from boredom. She glanced over to Litten and Popplio, who were lazily batting a Pokebean back and forth across the floor.

"[Nope, that tears it, I'm gonna go look for something to do now before I wither and die like actual grass.]", stated Rowlet as she spread her wings to take off out of an open window.

"[Hold on now, you ain't leaving us here, we gotta be here for when the Kahuna's kid and that new guy get here. They gotta pick us!]"

"[Clownface has a point, bowtie. Gotta be here, ripe for the picking and all.]"

"[Why am I clownface?!]"

"[Okay, shut up both of you. You can come with if you want, but I'm getting out of here.]"

"[Wait, wait, I'll come with! I don't wanna die of boredom, that's the worst way to die.]"

"[I'll go to, but only because I ate the Pokebean. Have nothing else to do.]"

About five minutes later, they had wandered out into town, and witnessed a perverted Rockruff start hitting on human children. This displeased Rowlet and Popplio to the point of readying **Leafge** and **Water Gun**, respectively, until Litten pointed out the human foreigner that was glaring at the Rockruff.

"[Oh! That's gotta be him! The new Trainer! Oh, I hope I get picked!]", gushed Popplio.

Litten was about to remark about how he just saw Old Man Falco the Fearow trying to eat a Meowth who looked like he had taken a bukakke bath, when it happened: the human assaulted the Rockruff.

"[Holy shit, that Rockruff's gonna kill him, it's at _least_level fifteen.]"

"[Aww, no trainer today…]"

"[...]"

-Ten Minutes Later-

"[..._Tapu Lele_, that kid is a monster]"

"[He just smooth criminal-ed the actual _fuck _out of there!]"

"[He did all of that by the seat of his pants…]"

The starters looked on at the chaos in a mix of awe and terror. Yet, there was also a small twinge of excitement in there.

"**[**_**DIBS!]"**_, the starters all chanted at once. They then frowned. "[_**ROCK, PAPER SCISSORS!]"**_, they all chanted. They deadpanned at the results: A paw with two claws out, a curled up flipper, and a wing.

"This… isn't going to work.", stated Litten in a monotone voice. Rowlet glanced away awkwardly, but noticed the Trainer walking down towards the Mahalo Trail.

"[Guys, there he goes, let's follow him!]", Rowlet exclaimed before flapping her wings quickly and flying off towards him.

"[Hold, up wait for me!]", growled Litten as he broke off into a sprint.

"[Don't forget me, guys!]", exclaimed Popplio cheerfully as she began to awkwardly flop her paddles as fast as she could. "[Aww…]", she moaned out sadly. She then broke into cheer as Rowlet came back and picked her up before flying back towards the trail. "[Aww, yis! Here we go!]"

-Elsewhere-

"I hope these gifts find you well, cousin. Good luck on your journey. Love, your favorite cousin. There, done, now to send these. Let's see, regular delivery, express delivery, express express delivery, sexy delivery, Arceus what's with all these deliveries? Wait, _Expressively Violent Delivery_. Sounds promising, but do I really wanna be violent towards my favorite little cousi- wait, he peed on me when he was two, I'm totally getting the violent delivery."


	3. Oh, look, he's back

So…. hey guys. It's been awhile, I know. I lost motivation, then found it, then I got busy. You know how it goes. I fixed the Poke-speech thing, sort of. I decided "Fuck it, brackets it is, then.", and yes, they look ugly, but the alternative is… actually I don't have one, considering that this website adamantly _refuses _to underline.

No, not every quote from before made it in, I'll try to remedy that in other ways. No, there is no worldbuilding blurb at the beginning here, nor are there funny little snippets of Chappie 4. I finished this with little to no sleep, and honestly am too tired to put something down.

That being said, I do have a nice little bit of Lore I'm hoping to touch on soon, especially with the first major Pokemon battle coming up. I had fun coming up with this lore, which touches on how Pokemon Moves work, how Arceus created the universe, why he created the Ultra Beasts, and what came before Arceus himself.

It's fun, I think. I hope you'll think it's fun, too.

With all that outta the way, enjoy this new Chapter! Or don't, I guess, I dunno.

* * *

Elio was enjoying his little hike along the Mahalo Trail, taking in the fresh air and surprising absence of wild Pokemon. The only sounds he could hear for a good ten minutes were his shoes against the ground and the breeze flowing through the leaves of the local flora. All was well. Then he heard footsteps in the distance. He turned behind him, believing that he was being followed by the angry mob back at Iki Town (or Mew forbid, his mother), but was confused to see a clear lack of people behind him. Turning back around, he lightly jogged ahead, eventually catching sight of a figure in a dress so white, it seemed it would be visible in total darkness. He carefully snuck forwards, intent on surprising the figure, when he himself was surprised. The figure, now visibly a female (he could already see the dress, but you can never be sure in 2019), also had light blonde hair, a large white hat, and white boots.

'_Huh, three guesses as to her favorite color, first two don't count'_, Elio mused to himself, as he crept to cover behind an odd lump of rock with a crude face painted onto it. As he peered out to further observe the girl ahead of hi, he also took note of the rather large bag she had with her, shaking almost wildly as she walked with it. As she reached the end of the trail, she looked around nervously, totally missing the asshole hiding behind one of the totems a good few yards from where she was standing, and proceeded to walk ahead briskly.

'_Fancy clothes, obnoxiously large suspicious bag, nervous glancing all around to ensure that there aren't any witnesses?'_, Elio mulled over the information he had on her, trying to put (force) the pieces together.

"*Gasp*! She's a drug dealer!", Elio exclaimed gleefully. He practically skipped down the rest of trail, stupid grin on his face and a wad of bills he fished out of his pocket in his hand, but before he could reach the end he heard a scream.

"_Nebby, NO!_", a very feminine voice screamed out. The stupid grin fell off of Elio, and he ran out to the clearing at the end of the trail, not knowing that he was about to enter legend.

* * *

Lillie was having a good day, the key word there being _was_.

Kukui hadn't managed to put any new holes in the walls for a good week as of today, the new order of lab coats came in early that morning, and Nebby hadn't tried to run away all day. With said cosmic puffball being on his behavior, Lillie decided to take him to the Ruins of Conflict, where he very oddly liked to be on most days. Being in a good mood, Lillie decided to take Nebby to the ruins right before she went to meet the new trainer who flew in last night. After checking to make sure she wasn't followed, she released Nebby from her bag, content to let him float around and be cute (as he is prone to do), but then he went to dash across the rickety old bridge before she could tell him not to. Then, seemingly to add to her dismay, a small flock of Spearow began to circle Nebby, cawing evilly and occasionally darting in to peck and claw at the poor puffball, who was now crying in terror and pain. With a fruitless cry of '_Nebby, NO!'_, she nervously glanced around for any sort of stone or small objects to throw at the Spearow. Then came the tap at her shoulder (which, if Nebby's carelessness ruined the rest of the day, this would mark the beginning of _months _of psychological torture). Lillie let out a small 'Eep!', then turned around and saw _him_.

He wasn't too much to look at at first glance. Tall, somewhat athletic build, brown hair and eyes, dressed like a teenage boy from somewhere that wasn't a tropical region (Like Kanto, perhaps?), complete with a bluetooth headset around his neck. Closer observation would determine that he was a surprisingly attractive young man, his tall, lean build and soft brown eyes that twinkled with mischief being very eye-catching to many a young lady (including Lillie herself, who would be more embarrassed if she weren't currently afraid for Nebby's life). Even closer observation would result in noticing a wooden shield commonly played with by children strapped to an arm that seemed to be dangling uselessly at his side and a massive cut on his right side, soaking blood into his shirt. Why he was grinning like a loon while in that sort of condition was beyond the poor girl, but in his twinkling eyes, she found that she felt somewhat at ease, like this mysterious stranger would turn out to be her (and Nebby's) knight in shining armor. Inwardly, she rejoiced, and outwardly, a small, hopeful smile began to form on her face.

Then the stranger opened his mouth.

"Hiya, mister drug dealer! Whatcha up to? Dealing drugs?"

Lillie started to open her mouth to respond, then paused, because _what_? To her confusion and dismay, he kept going.

"Lemme offer you my services, mister drug dealer. If ya cut me a good twenty percent of the profits *coughcough*andthedrugs*coughcough*, then my anal cavity is yours to use for all your smuggling needs!", proclaimed the handsome stranger, further confusing (and slightly terrifying) the poor girl. She shook her head, and all but begged of him, "Please, save Nebby!", with tears in her eyes and a finger pointed at the commotion on the bridge. The stranger only kept going on about drugs for whatever reason, however. "Nebby? Never heard of that one, is it Alolan-grown? Or is it just slang for some other drug, like Meganium-Dust?", he questioned, turning his head to where she was pointing. Lillie saw his eyes widen minutely, and for a moment was thankful that he understood the situation. Then _he kept going_.

"Whoah, never seen _that_ one before! How do you even do that, do ya smoke it? Injection? Naw, too big. Oh, I get it, it's an edible!", the young man said flippantly and sarcastically. Tears fell from Lillies eyes as hope left her in spades. "P-please, he can't use any m-moves, he's defenseless!", her voice cracked and wavered as she began to sob, still clutching to the strangers shirt desperately.

"I'd hope it couldn't use any moves, I'd hate to try and get lit only to get **Toxic**-ed by the merchandise.", the stranger mused as he looked on, only to grow an annoyed look as he observed a Spearow turn to look at them both and caw. "Okay, now that's just rude, she's not that heavy! She obviously has to be in pretty decent shape to run across town and deal her drugs, you know, as drug dealers do", the stranger snarked back at the Spearow. He then sighed as more spearow began to caw at them, and walked towards the bridge, grabbing his dangling arm and shoving it back into place with a sickening *pop!*, before turning to look back at the girl. "Lemme tell ya what, I'll get your goods back, but I get to get baked on half of that fucker, deal? Deal.", the stranger continued his snark, before walking towards her and putting his headset on her neck. Lillie blushed heavily as he put the buds in her ears and pushed some buttons on the side. "Here, this'll look hella epic with the right background music.", she could faintly hear him say through the earbuds, before _Call Me Maybe_ began to pump out of them. Her eyebrows furrowed as she saw him strut confidently towards the old bridge. '_Pretty confident, for a guy who listens to girly pop music…'_, mused Lillie as three Pokemon of varying bright colors jumped out from behind her, slowly creeping their way to the bridge behind the stranger. Lillie recognized them the starters that were supposed to be in Hala's mansion. '_Is he the new trainer?! Why didn't he have his pokemon on him?!'_

*Dude, we talked about this, put in the damn line break*

Elio grinned as took his first step onto the old bridge, eyes darting up and down the old boards and along the fraying ropes along the sides. With a quick adjusting on the shield still on his arm, and a brief wince at the action because _man that smarted_, he began to walk along the planks. After taking a good five steps, he hopped over to the seventh plank, moved his left foot behind him into the gap between the plank he was standing on and the previous, and kicked upwards, easily separating the plank from the rope and sending it spinning up above his head. As it came down, Elio caught it and snapped it into two pieces, then throwing one at the small flock of Spearow, who were chanting out, "[Food! Food! Food!]". The piece of splintery wood managed to nail three of the ten Spearow, sending them sprawling along the planks with an "[Ack!]", one even falling through a gap in between and falling down towards the ravine before flapping his wings furiously and catching himself. "Hey, assholes! You're all just a bunch of discount Pidgey!", he yelled out at them, shifting the remaining half of plank into his right hand while raising his shield arm in front of him.

"[You will pay with your life, wingless!]", one of the Spearows screeched out in a totally-intimidating battle cry, as all seven remaining spearow darted towards the human with the intent of maiming him. Elio laughed out loud in a much more intimidating manner than the battle cry from moments earlier, as the lead Spearow was batted aside by the shield, while the one behind it got bashed down and through the plank below him by the makeshift baton (the larger piece of the board he snapped earlier) in Elio's hand. Elio had a manic grin on his face as he constantly shifted positions on the old, rotting bridge, smacking Spearow to the side with one wooden weapon, while bashing and deflecting others with the other wooden weapon on his forearm. A lone spearow made a wide arc around the rest of the flock swarming around the human, who was winning against the _nine_ of its brethren. Diving in fast and steep, its beak began to glow white as he readied a **Peck** attack, which would surely fell the human. It was rewarded with its beak getting impaled into the shield and getting stuck in there as the shield swings to meet another angry bird. The two collide with a sickening *CRACK!* as their natural defenses fell and their bones shatter. Another Spearow dives at his ankle, only for Elio to raise his foot and stomp it down onto one of the more stable planks, the Spearow knocked unconscious as it slides off the plank and into the ravine.

'_That's three dow-wait'_, Elio's thought process is interrupted as a Spearow gets the brilliant idea to go for a **Peck** to his head. He grins wider as it gets rewarded by getting its beak stuck in a previously **Peck**ed hole, and getting swung into another Spearow, in a twisted form of deja-vu. Only this time, the Spearow got his beak torn out when its natural defenses fell. A spray of blood and squawk of terror from the remaining Spearow as another falls, bringing a feeling of smug satisfaction to the young man. '_Make that four'_, he thinks as he swats another Spearow with the plank in his hand. A spearow screeches and manages to sink its talons in his back, garnering a cry of pain from the Kanto native. Before he can reach behind him, however, he feels a large amount of heat blossom from behind him, before getting flung forwards. Confused, he gets up, shield raised in front of him to block whatever the _hell _that was, before growing more confused when he sees what look like a triad of small Pokemon with the basic elemental triad of types blasting at the spearow. '_The starters!'_, Elio realises as he observes the three newcomers. A small red cat spewing flames and hissing out "[Burn, motherfuckers!]" in response to a bunch of racial slurs being thrown at it, a blue seal blasting birds with high pressured water as it claps and laughs with glee, and an owl with a bowtie engaging some of the Spearow in aerial combat (and winning). The owl rotates its head behind it, noticing the young man staring at them whilst absentmindedly swatting a Spearow down and crushing its neck with his heel. The owl flies over to Elio, then begins to speak in a clearly feminine voice, "[Hello, human! I am Rowlet, a Grass and Flying type, that's Litten over there spewing fire-]"

"[DIE IN FLAMES!]"

"[That's nice, Litten. That over there is Popplio, she _loves _to play, but you can't understand me so Hala will tell you this later.]", Rowlet briefly explained to Elio, before being surprised he asks her "What moves do you know, Grassy?", Elio asks, absentmindedly swatting away another spearow. "[Err, **Leafage**, **Growl**, and **Peck**, but you can't understand me and I know you don't know what **Leafage** is-]", Rowlet explained confusedly before Elio cut her off.

"Yeah, yeah, three moves, pretty basic, not the point. _Use __**Leafage**__!_", Elio cut off Rowlet confidently, pointing at an incoming Spearow.

Startled, Rowlet squawked awkwardly, nearly falling out of the air, but quickly garnered her wits and complied, spinning around rapidly as the leaves in her wings began to glow a bright green. She finished her spin and flapped her wings quickly, sending a wave of charged leaves at the incoming Spearow. While not effective damage-wise, it did cause the evil bird to veer off-course, completely missing human, starter, and whatever the hell kind of drug 'Nebby' is. A shiny Spearow, already completely done with the events of today, let out a mighty caw (by Spearow standards, anyways), and assembled them all to converge on the small cosmic puffball and the human. Elio swore loudly, and ran over to the small puffball, throwing his body protectively over it as Lillie screamed for him and Nebby to get out of there as the small ball of cosmic potential began to glow ominously.

"Okay, no, what the hell is it doing?!", asked Elio frantically as energy began swirling around Nebby violently, the Spearow even backing off to observe.

"You said these drugs didn't do attacks!"

"_**NEBBY, DON'T DO IT!**_", exclaimed Lillie fearfully.

"Do what?! Oh shit, you ain't a druglord, you're a fucking _terrori_iiiiiiiiii-!"

With a large flash of blinding light, the bridge collapsed, sending the two down into the ravine, Elio screaming all the way down.

* * *

"Karma is that you, old friend?", asked Elio rhetorically as he fell, still clutching Nebby against his chest, turning himself so that his back faced the water. He closed his eyes and prepared for death, only to hear a crash of thunder followed by a loud screech. He opened his eyes to see the Spearow all get simeotaneously disintegrated by powerful lighting bolts. '_Zapdos?'_, pondered Elio, still awaiting collision with the bottom of the ravine. He was proven wrong only moments later, when a large yellow-orange thing swooped down to rescue him, catching him and moving upwards ridiculously fast, causing a new sort of terror in the now-screaming young man from Kanto.

"_AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH, what the fuck are you?!"_, Elio screeched like the Spearow that got disintegrated moments earlier before being dropped unceremoniously on his ass in front of the drug-dealer, who wa staring in awe at the creature that had caught him. Elio looked up to see what had saved him, and felt his own jaw drop at the majestic being that floated before him. It was human-sized, with large shield-like arms that resembled a bird head, a lean and muscular torso that ended in odd orange protrusions at the bottom, a bigass mohawk that looked seriously cool, and azure eyes with hints of orange that seemed to pierce into his soul. A quick glance to the starters and the druglord revealed that they were bowing, which led him to the conclusion that this was some sort of Legendary, and here he was on his ass gawking like a loon.

"_[__**You fought well, human. We made the right choice. Claim your reward and ignite your destiny.]"**_, the being spoke quickly, in a voice that resonated deep in Elio's chest. He nodded slowly, closing his mouth and gulping loudly. The being nodded, and with a loud cry of "_**[KOKOOOOOOOOOO!]"**_, dashed upwards into the sky, before disappearing in a flash of yellow lightning, the resulting thunderclap booming loudly and echoing for miles. The assembled group of people and Pokémon watched the spot where the being vanished for a moment, still locked in awe, before Elio snapped himself back into reality. He glanced down towards his chest, where he saw the little ball of space-dust still looking up in awe, before blinking and turning his attention towards the human currently holding him. The little puffball squirmed happily, before jumping up and turning to face him.

"[Pew!]", it spoke happily, bringing its small arm-like protrusions around him in a hug.

'_Damn, that's cute', _he thought, slowly bringing his good hand up to lightly pet it. It let out a happy little cry and snuggled into him even more. Elio chuckled, before slowly bringing himself up to his feet, carefully cradling the small Pokémon as if it were his own child.

"I got you, little guy."

"[Pew!]"

'_Why is it so Zap-damned cute?!'_ "Yeah, that was scary, huh?", Elio almost cooed, starting a rocking motion before stopping, as the sudden realisation that there were others watching hit him like a Hariyama on meth. '_Shit, I can't show my weakness towards a girl, they'll lord it over me __**forever**__. Gotta play it cool.' _

* * *

Lillie couldn't believe she met Tapu Koko himself while Katy Perry's _Birthday_ blasted in her ears. Before she could get too lost in the absurdity of the situation, she remembered that the new trainer was still holding Nebby, both of whom nearly _died_. She turned her head quickly towards them, noticing just now that the young man had just risen to his feet and was comforting Nebby with a small smile and a soft look in his eyes.

"I got you, little guy.", he spoke tenderly and soft, his voice actually calming her as well as Nebby.

'_Fuck, that's cute'_, she found herself floating into dreamland, where a handsome young trainer was tenderly kissing her, pulling her closer to him. '_It's all right, my darling'_, dream-stranger cooed in her ear. '_Let me make it all better~'_, dream-trainer asked with a hint of desire, his eyes growing dark with lust. '_What will you do?', _asked dream-Lillie, with much less stuttering than real-Lillie would actually have in that scenario. Dream-trainer was about to answer, when real-trainer's voice cut through her day(wet)dream like a Bisharp's Guillotine.

"So, I'll snort half of this now, you can have it back when im done.", the trainer said nonchalantly, bringing Lillie back towards reality at mach speed.

"Nebby is not a drug!", she screeched as the song in her ears transitioned into _Baby, One More Time_.

"Ah, yes, but isn't that what a druglord would say if it _was _a drug?"

"_**That's not the-**_*sigh*, nevermind.", Lillie said, defeated, as she pulled Nebby gently from the trainer's arms and set him gently into the bag before closing it again. "Thank you, for saving Nebby. I'm not a trainer myself, so I can't do anything in a situation like that. It must have been scary for you as well, you didn't have any Pokémon on you. If it weren't for the starters rushing in to help, and Tapu Koko diving in at the last moment, you could have gotten seriously hurt.", she rambled a bit nervously, the implications of what he had done for her sinking in.

"It was no problem, Chapo. Just hook me up with some of that dank Iv-weed-saur later and I'll call it even.", he said with a shit eating grin and dismissive wave of his hand. She could hear the starter Pokémon off to the side snicker, and her eye twitched.

"In any case, thank you. Oh, here are your earbuds back!"

"It's a headset, Blanco, show it the proper respe-", the trainer stopped when he inserted an earbud in his ear, and slowly said, "This was not what I meant to play."

"It's admirable that you're so confident with your choices, even with someone you just met. I look forward to seeing more of you in the future.", Lillie said, turning and walking towards the trail. "If it's alright with you, would you mind accompanying me back to Iki Town? I'm afraid I don't feel safe traveling back by myself."

"Sure thing, Jung", the trainer said slowly, coming to her side just as slow. With a small smile and nod, she began the trek back down the trail, not noticing the silent tears streaming down the mysterious trainer's face.

'_My __**shame**__!, I'll never live this down! Zap-dammit all!'_, he wailed in his head, the three starters following behind him slightly, clearly in awe of the new trainer.

"He understood you?!"

"Yes, he commanded me briefly, but with a confidence I've only ever seen in more experienced trainers."

"Damn, he really is something, ain't he?"

"I wonder which one he'll pick?"

"I wonder if I'll _get _picked."

"I suppose we'll just have to wait and see.", Rowlet finished, looking at the trainer with passion. Sure he was a bit odd, but he might also be the best damn trainer Alola has ever seen! She just hoped that he'd pick her.

Omake:

"Your mission, whether you choose to accept it or not, is to deliver the package to Melemele Island, of the Alola Region. Lovely vacation spot, tourists out the ass, Gods and Beasts running amok, if the legends are to be believed anyways, but none of that matters. Not the legends, the location, the people, _your only purpose from this point onwards is to __**deliver the package**_."

"Yes, Postmaster."

"The client wished for this parcel to be delivered with utmost care and haste to his cousin in Iki Town, our sources say he's been on Alolan soil for less than a day. He'll likely wait a day or two before making it to the nearest Center on Route 1, but it's better that you're early there just in case."

"Yes, Postmaster."

"You've done the InterRegional Parcel Service proud before, our most promising rookie to be sure. Know, however, that this is your first real test. Failure will not be tolerated, is that clear?"

"Yes, Postmaster."

"Most excellent. I await your success with anticipation, Kyle. You are currently in Lavender Town are you not? You have five hours to deliver this parcel across the sea."

With a nod, the blond man in the yellow shirt with blue stripes rose from his bow, dropped the call with the Postmaster, took a sip of his _PocketMonster Energy Drink_, and punched a hole into the Video Phone Terminal, earning himself a bloody fist and many cries of '_Hey, man, what the fuck?!' _and '_That was Pokemon Center property, you'll have to pay for that!'_. Kyle picked up the parcel he was instructed to deliver, and ran like Giratina was hot on his heels out of the Pokemon Center, shattering the glass doors before they could fully open all of the way.

He ran like he was an Arcanine in the plains, screaming like a Whismur who got drop kicked in the Poke-balls, whipping out a concealed pistol and dropping civilians in his path like a Salazzle devouring Erika's Gym entirely. Officer Jenny, who had just gotten off of her lunch break, looked on in horror, before making the call on her motorbike's radio.

"All units, this is a _Code: Express Delivery_, I repeat, this is a _Code: Express Delivery_! All units to LaxFoot and Gast, he's moving fast!". Jenny immediately started her bike, following the madman down the street. She prayed that this would be the one, this time they'd finally take down one of those InterRegional Parcel Service lunatics down for good. As she gazed upon Kyle throwing a child aside into oncoming traffic whilst running through a wall, she felt doubt in her heart that it would be so.


End file.
